chapter four: going to space.
Where do you go after you go to space?
Mario has been around for over thirty years now. He started off jumping over barrels thrown by an ape that would eventually start wearing a tie. He then started knocking turtles and crabs around in pipes. He went on to start saving princesses from giant turtles, frogs, and aliens. He liberated an entire castle by conquering worlds found within paintings. He cleaned up an entire tropical island with a backpack that shoots water. Then he went to space. He had one of the most amazing adventures in his life, and it was so good, he went to space again and brought along his dinosaur friend. Where does he go next?
What was widely considered the last great Sonic gameuntil Sonic Colors came around a decade later? Sonic Adventure 2. Where does that story end? In Space. Where’s the final battle in Beyond Good and Evil? Space. Where’s the last portal shot at in Portal 2? The Moon. What’s one of the greatest moments in all of American History? Getting people on the Moon. What’s the last Magic Tree House book I remember reading? Those lucky brats went to Goddamn SPACE.
How do you make anything epic? Just go to space. Was the Friday the 13th series getting too stale? Let’s just send Jason to space. The best modern day example of The Hero’s Journey? Star Wars, which, my sources tell me, takes place in SPAAACE.
Did anyone ever play Crus’n World? The arcade version didn’t, but the N64 one?
Ends on The Moon.
Hydro Thunder Hurricane?
What has Lord British done since he went to the Moon?
Where is the Marvel Cinematic Universe going in the next two years?
There is a rather large part of me that expects The Dark Knight Rises to end with Batman and Bane getting into a fist fight atop a rocket leaving the atmosphere, and the pair’s battle to the death continues uninterrupted by the constraints of gravity (remember, this is totally plausible, because, as we know, Batman Can Breathe In Space.) It’s the peak of escalation. It’s the highest point in a narrative, and it’s damn hard to do much else after you get back from space.
Because that’s the problem. In fiction, you expect things to get bigger, and bigger, and bigger as you move from installment to installment. The first movie ends with the hero fighting against an army of a hundred men. The second movie, a thousand. The third? A thousand and one. In Space.
But in reality? You still have things to do after you go to space, they’re just not as exciting. You know, since it’s not space and all. Because when it comes to this summer, I feel like I was in space a little while ago. Things were exciting. Things were happening. Everyday brought a new adventure. Now? It’s the same ol’ beaver suit. It’s the same ol’ empty apartment. It’s the same ol’ “Wanna do stuff?” / “Sorry, got work, also no money.” exchange.
I know things will get good and exciting once again once the semester starts up again, but I really hope I haven’t gone to space just yet this summer. I’ve only experienced Super Mario Sunshine. I just know it. I’m just waiting for the biggest adventure this summer can bring. I’m waiting for Bowser to lift Peach’s Castle up into the cosmos.
The beginning of this summer was Fellowship. The end, if all goes according to plan, will be Return. But, right now is the boring part of Two Towers. And I’d really like a fast-forward button right about now.
I know that last one there didn’t fit the theme, but it made me start thinking about Space Hobbits. They’re Hobbits, but in Space. I should write this shit down somewhere.